I'm Only Clever At Penis Jokes

I'm blatantly stealing from conversations so...

Her: "What do you get a guy for Valentine's Day anyway?"
Me: "........Beef."
Her: "I can't just walk up to him and give him a steak!"
Me: "We live in a cruel, cruel world where that isn't an okay masculine Valentine's Day present."
And then these comments happened:


Tie: May I suggest giving no gift and just waiting until Steak and Blowjob day?
Me: IS THAT A REAL THING?
YES IT IS THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE HOLIDAY.
Tie: Yeah. One month after Valentine's day.
Oh Zena you're so silly.
Me: THAT'S LIKE THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER. WHY CAN'T VALENTINE'S DAY BE LIKE THAT? IT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE FUN.
Tie: It kinda is... but for girls...
Me: But it has chocolate and flowers and romance and that stuff is just lame.
Irish: I read this and teared up from happiness, I learned a lot and had my faith in humanity restored all at once
Draco: Dear Zena, at target there is a valentine's section just for things to get for guys.
Irish: And it's called the meat isle, right next to the latex isle


I have such great friends.

Tie: Also, you're probably the only 16 virgin nymphomanic.
Live that up
Me: Ikr?
I'm 15 thankyouverymuch.
Tie: Oh. Oh right. I forgot.
Hey, ill make your 16th birthday awesome. Like party all night awesome.
Me: Like lose my virginity awesome?
Tie: That depends.


Tie: You take a long time to reply. Are you on drugs?
Me: No, just distracted.
Tie: Girlfriend just said she wants the Dickens
I reply ...okay
I'm a pro at this
Me: Tiny Tim ain't so tiny if you know what I mean?
Tie: ... who is Tiny Tim in this situation?
Me: Penis.
Tie: How does your statement apply here? Wut.
Me: Penis
Tiny Tim
yeah
Tie: Why are you saying Tiny Tim though?
I get that you mean penis, but why?
Me: Dickens? Charles Dickens? oh nvm
Tie: Oh
Oh god that's clever
Good job
Me: I require copious amounts of applause
Tie: I'm clapping irl
In real life
Me: why am I only clever when it comes to penis jokes
Why
I KNOW WHAT IRL MEANS

Seriously I'm only witty when it comes to penis jokes MY WHOLE FAMILY IS WITTY BUT NO I'M ONLY GOOD AT PENIS JOKES AND I CAN'T SAY THOSE AROUND FAMILY.
Evidence:
Stepmom: "Lil Stepsis, you can't leave your stuff all over the living room where Tucker can get it."
Dad: "He eats books you know."
Brother: "He's hungry for knowledge!" 

Tie: Also, i need to find you a boyfriend
Me: I have a boyfriend
Tie: A sex slave* 
I need to find you a sex slave
Better?

Tie: MAYBE HE'S IS A WIZARD THAT GETS HIS POWERS FROM YOUR SEXUAL FRUSTRATION!

Me: I am so magical.
I mean im dating a sexual frustation wizard.
It rubs off.
Unfortunately not literally.
Tie: I bet you wish it rubbed off, so you wouldn't have to rub yourself off.
It's a pun.
A sad one...Are you laughing? 
I hope so...

Tie: Any shower scenes lately? Or are you having happy dreams?
Me: not dreaming at all 
Tie: How does one invoke sexy dreams?
Me: I have no idea
Tie: Think sexy thoughts
Me: um...
*seductively takes off pants*
*trips*
*falls face first into dick*
close enough
Tie: Those are your sexy thoughts? You're doomed.

Hyperchild: We're comin' to getcha then. Me: They're coming to take me away haha.

Me: *walks out in Ramona Flowers cosplay*
Hyperchild: "You look like a high class prostitute."Me: "As long as I'm high class."

We punched more holes in Hyperchild's ears, and her mom almost died. She turned around and said "Tell me what's happening" so like a good friend, I narrated.
"Oh they cut off her ear... there's blood everywhere... it's gushing..."
By that point she lightly hit me so I stopped messing with her.

Friday night we had a surprise party for Top Hat and Bowler Hat (the twins). I was the only one who got there on time, so I awkwardly spent some quality time with their mom. She was pretty excited. Anyway it was me, Horsegirl, She-Draco, and Ramen, and they sure were surprised... 
Ramen got there at last minute and they saw him hop their fence. He came in the back door thirty seconds before they came in the front door.

I was wearing all TARDIS gear, Draco had a Dr. Who shirt on, so we both took out our sonic screwdrivers and put them in Horsegirl's hair so she wouldn't be left out.

Sonicscrewdrivers hair-do

So today was Valentine's Day.
And I could totally gush about stuff.
On the other hand I'm a cynical bitch.
So no.

I was trying to explain transgender people to this freshman, and he goes "So basically, they're guys, but with vaginas?" [okay yes that's only half but PROGRESS]
And so there's one more slightly better educated person in the world.
And even I learned something today! 
It is not transgendered it is only transgender.
We learn something everyday.